What to Do If You Get No Respect

Respect cannot be learned, purchased or acquired- it can only be earned.

~Bits and Pieces~

When I worked at a day treatment center for delinquent boys in Philadelphia, the words “Yo’ Mama” were enough to provoke a fist fight or worse. Outside the inner city, people have more subtle ways of reacting to feeling disrespected: road rage, tailgating, being surly with store employees, writing nasty letters to the editor. I think people sometimes act this way because they feel they are due respect which is not forthcoming.

As a psychologist, I have worked with parents, usually fathers, who demand “respect” from their children while at the same time treating them with disrespect. “I’m the parent!” Psychologists call this a sense of entitlement, a feeling that one is owed something.

So why is respect so important to many people? Some grow up in families where they were treated as valuable and worthwhile. Their parents listened to their fears, interests and desires and took them seriously. Products of such families don’t usually have an issue with respect. What if your parents treated you as a bother, didn’t care about your feelings and thought only of their own needs and desires? Respect is a two-way street, but parents can’t expect their children to make the first move. It is up to parents to show their children how to be respectful.

I don’t think the problem with respect is entirely the fault of parents. I’m not sure whose fault it is or how we got this way as a culture. We have been very blessed in our country in many ways. Our lifestyle is more comfortable than that of people in many other countries. It seems to me that we take for granted what we have and see our well-being as our birthright. Any inconvenience in our daily life seems like an imposition and outrages or at least annoys us. We deserve what we have and then some. The American dream is to grab all we can in our journey through life. We want a little more, even if it means others must make do with a little less.

There is another side to our way of life. We have a history of coming to the aid of those who need help, protecting those who can’t fend for themselves and making room for other cultures while they assimilate into our way of life. There are many who have gone out of their way to help others throughout our history. Maybe we learned from the example of native peoples who helped our early settlers through the first difficult winters.

You can’t go back to your childhood and choose parents who respect themselves and who will respect you and then grow up again. You can practice being grateful for your good traits and whatever measure of good fortune comes your way. You can learn to respect others by giving them a chance to share their fears, hopes and dreams. Understanding is the first step. You can also show your children how to respect others by valuing them and by your example in how you approach everyone you meet.

Action Steps

• Make a list of all the wonderful things about you.
• List all the blessings you have in your life.
• Tell your spouse and children what is wonderful about them.
• Look first for the goodness in people you meet.
• If you find yourself being critical, read over the above lists.

Selection from my book, Navigating Life: Commonsense Reflections for the voyage, available from Amazon