Fourth Seminary Reflection
I had completed one year of my seminary training and was gearing up for the next year. I had expected to be living in a religious community focused on prayer. That was no surprise.
I was surprised by the isolation from the rest of the world with no radio, television or newspapers. I would not say I was much of a cosmopolitan. In the seventh and eighth grades we had often been assigned news stories to listen to, watch or read to make us aware of world events and the larger context in which we lived. Now we were being told to ignore all that and concentrate on what we were spoon-fed by our teachers. It seemed a little odd and restrictive to me. I could not understand why we needed to be sheltered from the world and its ways which we had been exposed to up until we entered the seminary. I was not much of a rebel and accepted the explanation of our superiors as their view, keeping my own thoughts to myself.
Their efforts did not keep me from discovery of my sexuality which did not seem to fit into their plan from what I could see. There was general reference to sexuality in discussion of the commandments with vague allusions to mortal sin. From my experience, sexual feelings seemed quite natural and nothing I actively pursued. Quite the opposite. But they occurred persistently as did other urges-hunger, thirst and the need for sleep. I was confused about why giving into your sexual urges was made out to seem so bad. Then again, other mortal sins such as missing Mass and eating meat on Friday did not make much sense to me either.
I had learned what was expected of me and complied for the most part. What was missing was an understanding of why we had to do things a certain way or think in certain ways. We were told how to act and think which I accepted on the surface. Still there was that part of me, “Joey Why”, which made me question everything.
Although I did not get satisfactory answers to my questions, none of the things I wondered about seemed earthshaking and worth antagonizing the superiors over. That is with the exception of sexuality and mortal sin, topics which seemed taboo. I thought I might be able to figure out these mysteries on my own eventually. I recalled my father’s words when I asked too many questions at home. “Because I said so.”